Pull up a chair, this is lengthy as I am spilling my guts for the last few months, I have had zero time to be on Blogger at all and I have probably 200 pictures that I need to post with holidays and birthdays but that is going to be my goal for July to catch up on here when things slow down a little. Our family has been tested and tried with MANY things, thats life and everyone has to go through it but lately it has put me in survival mode as I have had to cut out almost everything socially to just focus on my family and the things going on. I have felt disconnected, sad, depressed, alone, exhausted, frustrated and irritated to no other. I have done so much praying, studying, fasting and pleading with the lord for just a break or at least some peace and comfort. My life has been extremely difficult since I was a child, an abusive childhood with my mother, a horrible past marriage, divorce, being a single mom of two kids going to college full time and working, always struggling financially, losing 4 pregnancies and having complications with the other 5, going back to college while working par time and being pregnant with a new husband in law school, going to college with a newborn and being pregnant with another baby with a husband in law school, numerous surgeries, health problems, a year of testing on Wade, 4 years of testing and doctors on Justin, now we at least know with Wade he has Autism but Justin is now being referred to the Cleveland Clinic with hopes to get answers there, very little sleep because of Wades sleeping problems since he was born. Daniel and Natilie being involved in everything which is great, it just makes for a lot of running around especially with dragging 3 little ones everywhere, struggling now with Josh trying to find a better job so we can just make ends meet and have better medical which has been so discouraging when he has an engineering degree a law degree passed the Ohio bar exam and Patent Bar exam and the NCEES professional engineering exam, a vehicle biting the dust and with the needs of our children we cannot make it with one vehicle, lawn tractor breaking down, numerous projects on the house I have had to somehow fix myself and keeping it perfectly clean every week for our numerous showings we have had to try and sell is a nightmare and some other challenges that I won't mention, the list goes on but I will stop there. I know a lot of you don't care about any of this, but I haven't blogged in awhile and since this is supposed to be our family history I felt the need to write all of this out for the history but also as my own little pep talk for myself lol. Some of these things that have happened in my life have scarred me forever, there are other things it has taken lots of counseling sessions to get over, and the rest I have left in the lords hands and have seen the power of the atonement as I have had to learn to forgive even those who have hurt me so greatly and have had to ask for forgiveness myself. I know that through all of the turmoil in life, there is still a purpose for everything we are dealt with. Some are tested more than others but it doesn't make those trials any more important, and I know there are people out there who can relate to some of the things I have gone through and more and I am thankful for their examples of how to endure. We all struggle in life, that's the purpose for this life on Earth, to be tested, to learn, to grow and to sacrifice. I have shed many tears throughout my life and especially these last few months, but I know that no matter what pain and sadness I am feeling right now, my Saviour has felt SO much more, more than we will ever be able to comprehend. I know that even after thinking about all of the crap that has gone on in my life that I am still SO wonderfully blessed and have SO much to be thankful for and I know that regardless of how bad it seems it can always be worse! Last week was a very difficult week and my Sister in Law Cindy read this blog post and sent it to me at the exact moment that I needed to read it, I copied and pasted it below, take the time to read it, if you are curious what it may be like for a parent of a special needs child (no matter what the need may be), this blog post hits it right on the nail with everything I feel. I know that Heavenly Father gave me this life for a reason, I know he felt I was strong enough to handle it and even in those moments of weakness that I feel at times, I know that he is there and that he can help carry me through from drawing on his power. I love the lord, I love this beautiful plan he has made for us and I love my family so much and LOVE being a mother even with its challenges, it is the greatest calling on earth!
dear you
Yeah, you
~
Dear Friends With Special Needs Kids,I have something to tell you. And I’m thinking that you don’t hear it enough. So come closer and pay attention, OK? This is important.
YOU ROCK.
Yes, you.
Why are you still looking at everybody else in the room?
I’m talking to YOU.
And no, I don’t mean that you deserve a medal just for parenting your kid. That’s what parents do. We parent. Our kids. So yay, for you cause you stuck around? Hell no.
And I don’t mean to imply that I’m offering sympathy because your path is different – and likely more difficult – than most. It is what it is. And I’m not much for sympathy.
What I do mean is that you rock because of the WAY that you parent your kid. And the WAY that you choose to walk this path.
You rock because you involuntarily calculate the thousand different variables in every situation and adjust for them on the fly. Because you are alert for the danger, the triggers, the anything, the everything that might turn everything on a dime. Twenty, thirty, hundreds of times a day. Navy Seals have nothing on you, kid.
You rock because you spend so damn much time preparing for what look to the world like tiny, insignificant moments. Because you know that there are no such things as tiny, insignificant moments.
You rock because you show your child patience even when you feel nothing of the sort.
You rock because you create a hard shell for the world, but remain tender for your child.
You rock because you have learned another language. Or two. Heck, you even speak Abbreviate – ASD, IEP, DSM, ADHD, ABA, BCBA, BT, RDI, GFCF, ADOS. See?
You rock because you SEE miracles in your child’s smallest victories. Because you celebrate simple successes. Because you know how hard they are won.
You rock because you look out for each other. Because you treat every child as if he were your own. Because you know that it really does take a village to raise a child.
You rock because you appreciate the people who make up that village. Because you see God’s angels along your path – and recognize them for who they are. And tell them how much they matter.
You rock because you don’t ever stop pushing and encouraging and expecting and demanding and believing and celebrating.
You rock because you know how important it is to take time for YOU.
You rock because you refuse to let anyone define your child by his challenges. Because you know there is so much more to who he is than a label.
You rock because you’re not afraid of the label. Because you know that as hard as it may have been to hear, it will be the key to a community for your child.
You rock because you are a different kind of parent. Because your know that just because your child doesn’t have words, that sure as hell doesn’t mean she’s not communicating.
You rock because you do everything you possibly can to figure out what it is that she’s saying.
You rock because when a doctor says, “It’s never been done before,” you hear, “Good, it’s possible.”
You rock because when you get angry, you use the anger to propel you forward. To make waves. To create change. To make life better for your child.
You rock because you refuse to accept complacency – from anyone.
You rock because you talk. Because you change hearts and minds and laws.
You rock because you’re not afraid to think big – really big when it comes to your kids. If programs don’t exist, you will create them. If the system doesn’t work, you will change it.
You rock because you never forget to think small. If people around you don’t understand, you talk to them. Teach them.
You rock because you raise your so-called typical children to know that typical is an illusion and compassion is everything.
You rock because you know that EVERYONE has something to contribute in their own way. And because you know it’s worth everything we have to ensure they can.
You rock because you respect one another – even when you disagree.
You rock because you seek the advice of those who have come closest to sharing your child’s path. Because you never, ever drown their voices out of the conversation. Because you know how vital their perspective is. Because you know that this IS a conversation.
You rock because you give your child the space to fail – giving them the ability to succeed.
You rock because you function on ludicrously little sleep.
You rock because even when you wake up convinced that you can’t, you do.
Dear Friends With Special Needs Kids,
I have something to tell you. And I’m thinking that you don’t hear it enough. So come closer and pay attention, OK? This is important.
YOU ROCK.
Love,
Jess
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